# You look like you need a good laugh!



## fluke (Feb 27, 2001)

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined 

 his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when 


 he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a 


 strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark 


 saying, 




 "Jesus is watching you." 




 He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his 


 flashlight out, and froze. 




 When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his 


 head, promised himself a vacation after the next big 


 score, then clicked the light on and began searching 


 for more valuables. 




 Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could 


 disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus 


 is watching you." 




 Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, 


 looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the 


 corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest 


 on a parrot. 




 "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. 




 "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just 


 trying to warn you." 




 The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world 


 are you?" 




 "Moses," replied the bird. 




 "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people 


 would name a bird Moses?" 




 "The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."


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## Capt. Krik (May 26, 2001)

Good one, Troy!

Bwah, hah, hah, hah, hah, hah!!!!!


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## irishtrek (Sep 17, 2005)

GOOD ONE, :thumbsup:


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## fluke (Feb 27, 2001)

An woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in
reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".

"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it
into his coffee. He won't even taste it? Give it a try and call me in a
week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as
to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! It was Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was
almost immediate. He jumped himself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye,
and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent
the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me
then and there on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good?"

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed!.... it was the best sex I've
had in 25 years! But I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again".


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## Ohio_Southpaw (Apr 26, 2005)

A man goes in for a simple surgical procedure. Upon awakening in the recovery room he finds he is wearing an oxygen mask. He get's the nurses attention and asks her "Are my testicles black?" 

The nurse tells him that he just came out of surgery and was still feeling the effects of the anesthesia and to wait a bit and he would feel better.

A few minutes goes by and the man again asks the nurse "Are my testicles black?"
The nurse again assures him that he would be feeling more clear headed in no time and to wait patiently.

Once more the man asks the nurse "Are my testicles black?" Giving a big sigh, the nurse gives up, steps over, lifts the mans surgical gown and proceeds to examine the mans privates.. moving them this way and that way, checking them thoroughly. She then looks at the man and reports " Sir I am happy to tell you your testicles look just fine."

The man reaches up, pulls the oxygen mask away from his face and says. "Thank you very much.. but please listen carefully... Are my TEST RESULTS BACK?"


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## fluke (Feb 27, 2001)

*LOL!!!* :lol: 

Though I wonder if yours and mine are pushing the limits here?


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## Ohio_Southpaw (Apr 26, 2005)

Limits Schlimits! That was one of my "nicer" ones...


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## fluke (Feb 27, 2001)

I hear ya Pal! I have some that would make a seasoned Marine blush!


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## Ohio_Southpaw (Apr 26, 2005)

You know it!! so let's have another..


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## fluke (Feb 27, 2001)

OK...You asked for it!



The Big Date

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday
> night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is
> such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend
> that after dinner, she would like to go out and make
> love for the first time.
>Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had
> sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to
> get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for
> about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is
>to know
>about condoms and sex.
>At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how
> many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or
> family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because
> he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his
>first time and all.
> That night, the boy shows up at the girl's
>parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
>"Oh,
> I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on
> in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner
> table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy
> quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
>A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in
> prayer,with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still
>no movement from the boy.
> Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down,
>the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
> boyfriend,
> "I had no idea you were this religious."
> The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea
> your father was a pharmacist."


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## fluke (Feb 27, 2001)

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room 
and he says to her:

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a
vegetative state dependent on some machine.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug." 

"I will honor your wishes," she said as she
got up and pulled the plug on the TV!


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## irishtrek (Sep 17, 2005)

Late one night around 11:00-11:30 a young man,18 is walking along the side walk wearimg a long coat when another man walks up to him, and pulls out a knife demaning money.
The one with the long coat says ok let me get it out, begins to pull out his money and then the mugger notices the over head light from the street lamps shining off of something in the other guys hand.
When the mugger realizes what the guy has hold of he suddenly drops his knife telling the victim to go ahead and keep the knife and as the mugger runs off the one guy puts his sword back in its sheath and continues on his way.


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## Ohio_Southpaw (Apr 26, 2005)

An old husband and wife are sitting on their porch one night enjoying the evening breeze. 

Suddenly the old woman reaches over and smacks her husband up-side the head as hard as she can.

The old fella asks in a shocked voice "What in all of tarnation did you do that for!?!?"

His wife says "That's for being a lousy lover all these years!"

The old man sits there for a short while, then leans over and punches his wife in the face as hard as he can, kocking her clear out of her rocking chair.

She looks at her husband, rubbing her jaw and says "Now why did you do that???"

The old man looks at her and says "That's for knowing the difference...."


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## fluke (Feb 27, 2001)

*Minnesota Fishing Story

Olaf & Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.*


*"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.*

*"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands.*

*"Vhere dit yew git dat monster??"*

*"Vell," replied Olaf, "I got it from me Genie."*

*"You haff a genie in yor tackle pox?" Sven asked.*

*"Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle pox," says Olaf.*

*"Could I see him?"*

*So Olaf opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the genie.*

*
Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"**

"Yes, I will," says the genie.

So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens & is filled with the sound of a million ducks...flying overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf. "Yumpin' Yimminy I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"*


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## F91 (Mar 3, 2002)

A turtle is walking through the forest when, suddenly, a gang of snails attack and mug the poor turtle. 
The police arrive soon after and ask the turtle what happened.
" I don't know" cried the Turtle, "It all happened so fast!"


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## fluke (Feb 27, 2001)

*LOL!!!!!!* :lol:


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## Y3a (Jan 18, 2001)

Here's a link to some others posting some funny stuff...


http://forums.macnn.com/showthread.php?t=262288&page=1


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## phicks (Nov 5, 2002)

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports 
car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. 
  
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug 
through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 
  
"What does it look like?" she finally asked. 
  
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on 
it." 
  
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it 
and handed it to the policewoman. 
  
"Here it is," she said. 
  
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 
  
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."


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## beeblebrox (Jul 30, 2003)

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most
of the time, which produced an impressive set of
calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which
made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused
fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


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## Y3a (Jan 18, 2001)

Only In America!

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century.

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and
testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA


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## beeblebrox (Jul 30, 2003)

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive................... 


So I took her to a gas station!!!!!!!



G'night everybody! Enjoy the buffet! :wave:


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## fluke (Feb 27, 2001)

beeblebrox said:


> This made him a super calloused
> fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


*HA!!! heheheheheheh!!!!!! LOL!!!!!*


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## Ohio_Southpaw (Apr 26, 2005)

A blond is driving down a country lane. Looking out her window, she sees another blond out in the middle of a cow field, in a rowboat, rowing away.

She stops her car at the edge of the field, gets out, walks over to the fence and yells "Hey, what in the hell are you doing?" 

The blond in the boat yells back "What does it look like?, I am rowing my boat!"

The first blond, with an disgusted looks yells back, "You know, it's blonds like you that give us all a bad name...... and if I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your ass!"


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## Ohio_Southpaw (Apr 26, 2005)

beeblebrox said:


> This made him a super calloused
> fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


And on that note...

A group of friars moves into a local community. Once the monastery is up and running the friars open a florist shop to raise money for the monastary.

The floral arrangements are beautiful.. the best ever seen and soon the friars have a robust business going... much to the dismay of the other florists in the area who have seen sales drop dramatically.

The other florists get together as a group and decide to send a representative to the friars to ask them to scale back, so that they can get some of the business.

The friars, though sympathetic, refuse to cut back on production since their floral arrangements are in such demand.

Then the other florists go to the city council asking them for their help. The council, pleased with the extra revenue the friars are bringing in, also refuse to help the poor florists.

Finally, in desperation, they hire Hugh.. the local muscle. The explain to Hugh their dilemma and tell him they want him to make their problem go away.

The next morning, Hugh shows up at the friars floral shop. He destroys the place and beats the friars into a bloody pulp.

The Abbot, upset with this heinous attack, closes the monastery, packs up and moves the entire group of friars several states away.

What is the moral of this story?

Only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars


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## scotpens (Sep 6, 2003)

Ohio_Southpaw said:


> Only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars


That is the frackin' WORST JOKE I'VE EVER HEARD!!

It's even worse than "I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco" or "Repaint, and thin no more" or "A herd in the band is worth boo in the tush"!

(If you don't know the jokes that end with those punchlines, it doesn't matter — you can make up your own!)


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## Y3a (Jan 18, 2001)

Pardon Me Boys' Is That The Cat That Chewed Your New Shoes?


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## lonfan (Feb 11, 2001)

or "Kicks Are For Treds" lol 

But Try this one: Seems The Lone Ranger was being held by some unfriendly Indians. The Chief asks Lone Ranger if he has any Last Request, The Ranger Requests a Cigar and the Indian Chief gives him one. As The Lone Ranger Puffs on the Stogie he's actually sending the Smoke up through the Teepee as a Message to Tonto. As the Indians lead Lone Ranger out to his Fate,Up rides Tonto with a Beautiful Naked Woman on his Horse. The Lone Ranger Walks Up to Tonto and Says "No Tonto I Said Bring POSSE!"

"Boy When You Die At The Palace....lol"
John/Lonfan


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## beck (Oct 22, 2003)

Opporknockity only tunes once !
hb


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## Ohio_Southpaw (Apr 26, 2005)

*BREAKING NEWS ALERT*

Police in Hollywood are reporting the deaths of several prominent breakfast food pitchmen. Reports are that the following spokespersons have been found dead within the last 12 hours. 

Tony the Tiger
Toucan Sam
Snap, Crackle and Pop
Count Chocula

Police suspect this to be the work of a Cereal Killer....

In other news, Madame Petite, the psychic midget is wanted for questioning in the mysterious death of her husband. Police have been searching high, and especially low for the miniature mystic. Police have issued a nationwide APB alerting law enforcement agencies that there is a small medium at large.....


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## Capt_L_Hogthrob (Apr 28, 2005)

Ohhhh, He really milked that one didn't he!!!


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## beeblebrox (Jul 30, 2003)

As long as some of us are too lazy to bother with the whole joke, here's some more punch lines:

"I've got two obese Pattys, special Ross, Lester G. pickin' bunions on a Sesame Street bus."

"The Klingon can stay, but the Ferengi in the gorilla suit has to leave."

"I asked the genie for a twelve inch pianist."

And a special prize to who ever can finish this lame joke:

"My dog has no nose..."


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## fluke (Feb 27, 2001)

Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What 
else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.

He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day 
myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."


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## scotpens (Sep 6, 2003)

beeblebrox said:


> And a special prize to who ever can finish this lame joke:
> 
> "My dog has no nose..."


"How does he smell?"

"Terrible." 

What do I win? A gallon of Turtle Wax? A case of Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco treat?

A priest, a minister, a rabbi, a farmer, a doctor, a lawyer, a black guy, a Mexican, an Irishman, a horse, a duck, a parrot, a Jew, a Catholic, a Protestant, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this — a joke?"


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## Bjgrammy (Feb 16, 2002)

...any good "SKUNK" stories???:devil:


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## Ohio_Southpaw (Apr 26, 2005)

Bjgrammy said:


> ...any good "SKUNK" stories???:devil:


No... They all stink.


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## beeblebrox (Jul 30, 2003)

scotpens said:


> What do I win? A gallon of Turtle Wax? A case of Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco treat?


"A complete set of broken color bars, some leveled mountain skiis and water rolllers for that fun-filled open season, an unattached grid five stand up heater with a smoke window and now... 300 full pounds of Chef Antwon's Southern Fried Glymphs, tossed to golden perfection, cubed, reheated and returned to water before you're ready to speak and the inside, well look at that it's just lovely, two shelves where none are needed and look at that, close the door and the light stays on!"
DON'T CRUSH THAT DWARF, HAND ME THE PLIERS


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## fluke (Feb 27, 2001)

Hey BJgrammy!!! WUSSSSSSS UUUUUP!!!!!! :wave:  

I talk to the o'l Skunk now and then....he is doing fine.


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## Bjgrammy (Feb 16, 2002)

:thumbsup: Doing great Fluke.. Just keeping a good eye on ya ..:wave:


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## irishtrek (Sep 17, 2005)

Ok a very good looking woman walks through a park and goes past a bench where an American indian is sitting,the indian says chance,the woman kinda looks over her sholder for a second shrugs and keeps walking,
a short time later another woman walks past,again the indian says chance and the woman reacts like the first one, then a few minutes later a third woman comes along even better looking than the first 2 and the indian says chaannncce, the woman stops and says "I always thought indians were supposed to say how?"
the indian responds "me know how me just want chance!!"


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## fluke (Feb 27, 2001)

That was....well......that was just BAD!!! :tongue: :lol: 

I think that we should TRY to keep our jokes as NON 'RACE' as possible for good form and to be fare to everyone.... Keep in mind that This is a *public* board.


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## scotpens (Sep 6, 2003)

fluke said:


> I think that we should TRY to keep our jokes as NON 'RACE' as possible for good form and to be fare to everyone.... Keep in mind that This is a *public* board.


That Indian — excuse me, Native American — joke may be old and corny, but come on now, it's not really OFFENSIVE, is it? I mean, aren't a lot of people overly sensitive these days about being "P.C." and all that? After all, we Jews have been poking fun at ourselves for centuries!

And we're GOOD at it!


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## irishtrek (Sep 17, 2005)

Hey a joke is a joke is it not? Didn't mean to offend any one, just told it the way I heard it.
What do you get when a bird gets caught in a lawnmower?
Shredded tweet.


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## fluke (Feb 27, 2001)

I'm 1/4 Cherokee....but that joke did not bother me a bit ( I did leave the smilies....hehehe )

I was just saying that we should try to keep the jokes more generic when it comes to *people groups* thats all. Keep in mind that not all people see or hear the joke the same way...again....this is a public board that gets hundreds of visitors a day and the sponsors of HOBBY TALK are responsible for what goes on here.

I would hate for this thread to get closed or even this whole section be looked at under a microscope.

And now for something completly different!

A pig and a duck and a dog....no it wasn't a dog...it was a FROG! yeah thats it......and the Pig .....uhm......the pig........no wait it was the Frog....no.....the......uh......Back to the Model glue!!! :freak:


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## Zombie_61 (Apr 21, 2004)

A blind guy walks into a drug store and starts knocking stuff off of the shelves with his cane. Quickly, a clerk rushes up and asks, "Can I help you sir?" The blind guy replies, "No, I'm just looking."




I'm here all week, folks...try the veal.


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## Y3a (Jan 18, 2001)

Old hi-Fi Store joke from the '70's :

This old lady comes into the stereo shop and wants to buy some speakers. The salesman says "well, you should bring in a sample of the kind of music you like and we can play it on our turntable, and sample some loudspeakers." "Oh", says the little old lady, "I just happened to have a record right here!" She pulls out a ratty looking record and hands it t the salesman, who puts it on the platter of a really nice Thorens TD-125 with Shure SME tone arm and Shure V-15 II phono cart. She sits down on the couch and the salesman puts the needle at the beginning of the record. All of the sudden, the needle jumps 90 grooves over after a terrible pop. "Oh my GOODNESS, was THAT the RECORD??" she says. "No" says the salesman, "the record is 370 grooves..."



Sorry.


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## beeblebrox (Jul 30, 2003)

Zombie_61 said:


> A blind guy walks into a drug store...


I think you mean Visually Challenged. And my dog is Spacially Overextended. You know, FAT .


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## scotpens (Sep 6, 2003)

fluke said:


> I was just saying that we should try to keep the jokes more generic when it comes to *people groups* thats all. Keep in mind that not all people see or hear the joke the same way....


At least we can make fun of the Amish, can't we? I mean, how are they going to know?

Somebody hands a blind man a piece of matzoh. The blind man says, "Who wrote this crap?"


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## Zombie_61 (Apr 21, 2004)

beeblebrox said:


> I think you mean Visually Challenged. And my dog is Spacially Overextended. You know, FAT.


Okay then, a Visually Challenged guy walks into a store, grabs his Spacially Overextended seeing-eye dog by the tail and starts swinging it around over his head. A clerk comes up and asks, "Can I help you sir?" The blind guy replies, "No, I'm just looking around."


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## beeblebrox (Jul 30, 2003)

That's better!


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## fluke (Feb 27, 2001)

Yes I think the Amish jokes are safe here! :lol: 

As well as these groups:

Nazis
Skin heads
Lawyers
BAD, SELFISH and greedy Politicians
Hip hop and Rap singers ( who only send out bad messages and do not really care about ANYONE! )
Gangsters
Gangsta wanna bees
People who deal illegal drugs
people who make illegal drugs
people who transport those drugs
people who can't raise their children who end up using those drugs
bad police personnel ( they are out there...very sad )
People who steal
People who lie
Greedy people
selfish people
Yuppies ( see the last three above )
Soccer Moms who can't drive
anyone who can not drive a car safely
People who CAN NOT put a cell phone down for 10 minutes!
The News media 
DRUNK DRIVERS and the people who let them drive!
AND! all those people above who are DUMB enough to BREED!


.....but most of all.... *MODEL BUILDERS!*


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## Ohio_Southpaw (Apr 26, 2005)

Alright, you asked for it....

What goes Clippity-Clop, Clippity Clop, Clippity Clop... BANG! BANG! BANG.. Clippity Clop, Clippity Clop, Clippity Clop....?

An Amish drive by shooting.


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## scotpens (Sep 6, 2003)

fluke said:


> . . . People who deal illegle drugs
> people who make illegle drugs . . .
> people who transport those drugs. . .
> Socker Moms who can't drive . . .


People who can't spell "illegal" or "soccer"!


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## fluke (Feb 27, 2001)

Thanks....I have made the corrections.

Amish drive by!.... :lol:

*A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs
some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The
pharmacist's eyes
got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to
kill
your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll
throw both of us in
jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you
can NOT
have any cyanide!"

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at
the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a
prescription." *


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## big-dog (Mar 16, 2003)

Enough of this PC BS

Two ministers are having lunch togehter, the first is a bit holier than thou, he says:

"The morals of today are disgusting. Drugs, crime, sexually transmitted diseases. Well I'm very proud to say I NEVER had sex with my wife until after we were married. How about You?"

To which the second minister says: "I dunno, what was her maiden name?"


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## fluke (Feb 27, 2001)

LOL!!!! :lol: :roll:


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## SteveR (Aug 7, 2005)

How about some model builder/ lightbulb jokes?


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## Ohio_Southpaw (Apr 26, 2005)

Q: How do you get a person with a degree in Liberal Arts off your porch?

A: Pay him for the Pizza!


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## fluke (Feb 27, 2001)

:roll: :lol:


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## CaptFrank (Jan 29, 2005)

> DRUNK DRIVERS and the people who let them drive!


Drunk drivers don't plan on driving drunk. They don't say 
"Gee, I hope I slide into a family of six tonight!!"

The problem is, how do they get their cars home after they go drinking?
They _have_ to drive!

And how else will they get good at it if they don't practice?





Thank you, Sam Kinison.


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## fluke (Feb 27, 2001)

That wasn't funny at all.......


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## fluke (Feb 27, 2001)

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is
installing
new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash
without leaving their vehicles. 

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts.



After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been
developed.

Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.



MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.





FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its
excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Flip card and reinsert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
inside
back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
checkbook.

18. Recheck makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.


----------



## beeblebrox (Jul 30, 2003)

The Pope visited Poland last week. A surprisingly small number of people turned out to see him as most of them were at home dealing with "light bulb related difficulties".
Dennis Miller


----------



## fluke (Feb 27, 2001)

*LOL!!! :roll: *


----------



## scotpens (Sep 6, 2003)

YOU KNOW YOU'RE LIVING IN CALIFORNIA IF:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 a year and still can't afford a house.

3. You ride the bus and are shocked to hear two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember whether pot is legal or illegal.

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember whether pot is legal or illegal.

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs at least a dollar more per gallon than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at Starbucks at 8:30 am wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember whether pot is legal or illegal.

14. It's barely drizzling rain and every local TV station has a "STORM WATCH" report.

15. It's barely drizzling rain, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

16. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cellphones or pagers.

17. HEY, DUDE!!! IS POT LEGAL OR ILLEGAL!?

18. You, your wife, your kids and your dog all have therapists.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take away your license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one!


----------



## beeblebrox (Jul 30, 2003)

-----NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND 

THESE ARE REAL NOTES WRITTEN BY PARENTS IN A TENNESSEE SCHOOL DISTRICT. (SPELLINGS HAVE BEEN LEFT INTACT.) 

MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM. 

PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT. 
DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 AND ALSO 33. 

PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING. 

PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP. 

JOHN HS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE. 

CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL.HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART. 

MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS. 

CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE. 

PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS. 

PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SHITS. [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT]. 

PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK. 

IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST. 

PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT. 


KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR. 

PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY. WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT ITWAS SUNDAY. 

SALLY WON'T BE IN SCHOOL A WEEK FROM FRIDAY. WE HAVE TO ATTEND HER FUNERAL. 

MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES. 

PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BE! ING ABSENT YEST! ERDAY. H E HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL. 


PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS. 

GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER. 


PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR. 

MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORE THROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AND SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER, SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT.


----------



## fluke (Feb 27, 2001)

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they ​got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.​

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the ​groom broom.​

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The ​groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The ​wedding was lovely.​

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom ​leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going ​to have a little whisk broom!!!"​​​

"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.​ 














Are you ready for this?​​​​​​
Brace yourself.​​​​​This is really going to hurt!​ 



















"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"​​​​​Sounds to me like she's been ​"sweeping" around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!​​


----------



## scotpens (Sep 6, 2003)

fluke said:


> "WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"


That's weawy tewwible!

Nice text formatting, though!


----------



## 1bluegtx (Aug 13, 2004)

How are BREASTS and MODEL KITS alike?










They are both made for children but grown men end up playing with them!


----------



## fluke (Feb 27, 2001)

*LOL!!!!!*  :lol: :roll:


----------



## beeblebrox (Jul 30, 2003)

I think Fluke will laugh at anything. Here, watch this...









Did he shoot Pepsi out his nose again?


----------



## fluke (Feb 27, 2001)

*LOL!!!!* :lol:


----------



## Zathros (Dec 21, 2000)

*H I L A R I O U S GUYS!! I really NEEDED those laughs!!!:lol: :thumbsup: *


----------



## fluke (Feb 27, 2001)

Oh wow......so the coke goes OUT the nose? :freak:


----------



## fluke (Feb 27, 2001)

How To install a wireless security system:

Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots, a
really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns
and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it. A really big
dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like "Bubba, big
Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 15 minutes . Don't
disturb the Pitbulls, they've just been wormed."


----------



## beeblebrox (Jul 30, 2003)

Good one. :thumbsup: 

BILLY-BOB: Goin' fishin'?
BUBBA-JOE: Yup.
BILLY-BOB: Got worms?
BUBBA-JOE: Yup, but I'm goin' anyway.


----------



## xr4sam (Dec 9, 1999)

Did y'all hear about the lunatic that escaped from the asylum, and raped three women?

The headlines the next morning was, "Nut Bolts and Screws."

Thank you, thank you...try the veal. It's great! I'll be here all week!


----------



## lisfan (Feb 15, 1999)

*Why, Why, Why **Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak? **
**
**Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough? **

**Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? **

**Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? **
**
**Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? **

**Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? **

**Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? **
**
**Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? **
**
**Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"? **

**If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? **

**Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? **
**
**Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? **

**Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? **

**Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? **
**
**Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? **
**
**How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? **

**When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?" **

**Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? **
**
**In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? **

**How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? **

**And my FAVORITE...... The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you. *


​


----------



## lisfan (Feb 15, 1999)

*One Question IQ Test* *



**
Here's a one question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day...... **
**
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. **
**
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?*

*Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer... **




*

*








*​*















**
He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses" **
**
If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a day.*





*I've got mine shutting down right now...*


----------



## lisfan (Feb 15, 1999)

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married 

to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a 

transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy 

over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep 

quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1 a.m., the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,

"Ma'am,I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the 

closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a brief moment of silence ... he farted.


----------



## lisfan (Feb 15, 1999)

* A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject and, finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.* 




_*Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."*_





_*Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a cup of cappuccino from her thermos, and began to cut yet another hole.*_





_*Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."*_





_*The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.*_





_*The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"*_





_*She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"*_





_*The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK." *_


----------



## fluke (Feb 27, 2001)

*LOL!!! :lol: :roll: *


----------



## Prince of Styrene II (Feb 28, 2000)

fluke said:


> Yes I think the Amish jokes are safe here! :lol:
> 
> As well as these groups:
> The News media .....but most of all.... *MODEL BUILDERS!*


Hey!! WAITJUSTAMINUTE!!! If anyone's gonna make fun of the media, it's me!!
After all, I'm media!  





*If Jesus was born today... and TV News covered it:​*​



[Intro dramatic theme with 'Breaking News' banner] 

[F/S chyron of yearbook photo of Mary] 

[Anchor VO] 
His mother says she's a virgin....... 

[SOT up full - insert F/S graphic - longshot of Joseph] 

[Anchor VO] 
His earthly father claims the child is actually the Son of God. 

[NAT SOT up full - animals talking] 

[Anchor VO] 
And his birth made animals SPEAK! 

[SOT up full - swooshing sound with quad graphic twist] 

[Anchor VO] 
Tonight, we've got FULL team coverage of Christ's SHOCKING birth!!! 

[MUSIC UP FULL - dramatic theme music] 

[ON CAM] 
[2-SHOT] 
[ANCHOR=TIM] 
The prophets predicted his arrival -- and tonight... just maybe... the Messiah is here. Sue? 

[Four screen graphic again.] (_Why? Because you can!_) 

[2-SHOT] 
[ANCHOR=SUE] 
Yes, that's right, Tim. Jayson Smith is live in the desert with shepherds who report an "Angel" spoke to them. Tim? 

[2-SHOT]

​



[ANCHOR=TIM]​John Ching is live at the palace with a livid King Herrod. 

[GRAPHIC: 4 QUAD SPLIT SWOOSH, TWIST FLIP] 


Toni Tiparelli is live at the home of a midwife who tells us just how a virgin birth happens.
But we start with Gabrielle Garcia. She is live in Bethlehem with an EXCLUSIVE interview with the innkeeper who rented a stable to the young couple. 

Gabby, why wasn't there any room at the Inn.....? 

--------------- 

[ANCHOR=TIM] 
Continuing our TEAM COVERAGE... Joe Smith is on SPECIAL ASSIGNMENT at the Health Department on the dangers of childbirth in a barn. It's MANGER DANGER! Stables are filled with filthy straw -- and much, much more. Our undercover team checks it out. Coming up at 6 -- NEWS AT 11, we'll take a black light to one poor infant's swaddling clothes. Parents, this is a story everyone you MUST see. Protect your children from MANGER DANGER! 

Our own Pam Paulini will talk to social workers about teenagers giving birth -- virgin or otherwise! 

But first, Channel 6 meteorologist Steve Snell takes us live via doppler radar to the surface of that star shining so brightly tonight.

SHOCKING allegations about the Wise Man in the middle. Hear what the Little Drummer Boy says happened to HIM! 

AND -- do camels carry the West Nile virus? Health reporter Susan Simpson talks to a local farmer about keeping your family safe on this -- the holiest of nights. 

Also: There are several brands of Frankincense on the market, but which one gets you the most bang for your buck while still honoring the Son of God? A TV 6 News "Buy it and Try it" tonight at 6. 

Plus, folks react to the birth of our Lord and Savior. We'll have Kent Brockman in a live report from the local McDonalds with what people here had to say. 

Tomorrow... Mallory Deville will talk to TEAM NEWS Doctor Tim Angstrom about how virgin girls induce lactating to breast feed. 

And... TEAM NEWS will show you the 26 signs that your child might be joining a new "fad" cult.

But first... Steinman's back from the Coliseum with results from tonight's chariot races. Ron?


It's funnier for those of us in TV.


----------



## scotpens (Sep 6, 2003)

Prince of Styrene II said:


> It's funnier for those of us in TV.


ROTFLMAO!! You don't have to work in broadcasting to "get it"! Except maybe for some of those technical abbreviations.


----------



## fluke (Feb 27, 2001)

A blond woman is taking a walk along a river bank....she stops and sees a blond woman on the other side of the river and asks...."Hey...how do I get to the other side?!"

The other blond woman stops and says " You ARE on the other side!"


----------



## Prince of Styrene II (Feb 28, 2000)

scotpens said:


> ROTFLMAO!! You don't have to work in broadcasting to "get it"! Except maybe for some of those technical abbreviations.


Well, here's two brief ones that appear in that a lot:

NAT- *Nat*ural Sound. Sound used that was not gathered by a hand held "stick" microphone, like the sound of a door slamming.

SOT- *S*ound *O*n *T*ape. Sound gathered in an interview with said "stick mic".

The best part is that I work in one of those shops that use all the "spinny graphics", as we call them. And our producers are just cheap enough to use the "quad graphic twist".


----------



## Zathros (Dec 21, 2000)

*Learning Chinese*

*Crash Course in Speaking Chinese
Chinese Phrase English Translation

Ai Bang Mai Ne:* I bumped into the coffee table 

*Chin Tu Fat:* You need a face lift 

*Gun Pao Der:* An ancient Chinese invention 

*Hu Flung Dung:* Which one of you fertilized the field? 

*Hu Yu Hai Ding:* We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive

*Jan Ne Ka Sun:* A former late night talk show host

*Kum Hia:* Approach me

*Lao Ze Sho:* Gilligan's Island

*Lao Ze:* Not very good

*Lin Ching:* An illegal execution

*Moon Lan Ding:* A great achievement of the American space program

*Ne Ahn:* A lighting fixture used in advertising signs

*Shai Gai:* A bashful person

*Tai Ne Bae Be:* A premature infant

*Tai Ne Po Ne:* A small horse

*Ten Ding Ba:* Serving drinks to people

*Wan Bum Lung:* A person with T.B.

*Yu Mai Te Tan:* Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you

*Wa Shing Kah:* Cleaning an automobile

*Wai So Dim:* Are you trying to save electricity?

*Wai U Shao Ting:* There is no reason to raise your voice


----------



## beeblebrox (Jul 30, 2003)

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind
him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger,
Fries and a coke, "and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the
same, "says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40
please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
"A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the
same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact
change. 
This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks
the
waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked
potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be
$32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on
the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man,

"several years ago I was cleaning the attic and

found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would
Just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish
for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you
want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I
say."


----------



## irishtrek (Sep 17, 2005)

A woman is driving down the street with her 4 year old grand son in the car.

All of a sudden the kid starts yelling, as he holds his hand over his eye,granny, granny there's something in my eye!!

The grandmother asks, what's in your eye?

The kid repeats himself.

And so the grandmother pulls the car over to the side of the street and asks her grandson again,whats in you eye?

The kid turns to his grandmother and says, with a grin, I's got me eye ball in me eye.


----------



## beeblebrox (Jul 30, 2003)

Smart Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed at her.
Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not
your stub."

Smart Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,
"Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Smart Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car, and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop
said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the
cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.

Smart Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead
of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to
the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."

#1 SMART ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005.......................

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury
or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!"
A smart a-- guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was
restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your
other hand."


----------



## beeblebrox (Jul 30, 2003)

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember,
it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from
federal government employee performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom
and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more
of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like
a rat in a trap."

5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change
feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the
better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it
all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary
ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the
other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train
isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out
looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get
change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only
gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.


----------



## CaptFrank (Jan 29, 2005)

Those are hilarious!

I had read most of those, the new ones were great!


----------



## Capt Kirk (Mar 4, 2006)

George and Frank and their wives are having dinner at George's house. They are all in their 80's. After dinner, the wives go into the kitchen and the men are talking at the dinning room table. Frank says " We ate at a really great restraunt on Monday. The food was excellent, the waitress was outstanding and the price was really reasonable". George says " What was the name of it?" Frank gets a real puzzeled look on his face and says " I am having problems remembering. What's the flower that is usually red with thorns?" George says " Rose?" Frank say's that's it! He turns toward the kitchen and hollers " ROSE, WHATS THE NAME OF THAT RESTRAUNT WHERE WE ATE ON MONDAY?"


----------



## Guest (Mar 14, 2006)

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy hubby a new fishing rod. After some browsing she comes across one that she thinks he would like and goes to the desk to enquire about it.

The fellow behind the cash desk tells her he can tell her anything about it but his sight is not too good but he will know just what kind of rod just by the sound of it hitting the counter top. the lady is sceptical but drops the rod on the counter top.

"Ah yes" says the fellow "It's a 14 foot 2 piece St Croix, excellent for freshwater casting and complete with a reel and 10lb test line" 

The woman is suitably impressed, asks the price and is told nintey bucks. She bends over to get the money from her bag and promptly farts.
Embarrased but thinking quickly, she decides that with his bad eyesight he'll never know it was her so decides to pay up anyway.

The fellow tells her the total comes to $97.50. Somewhat confused, she asks why it has changed as he first said $90 ?

"Well ma'am, the rod and reel is $90 but the duck call is $5 and the stink bait is $2.50"


----------



## DocDann (Feb 19, 2006)

Then, of course, there's the story of Arturo "Artie" Mercellago. 

Artie worked as a hitman for the local Mob. Unforunately, Artie wasn't all that bright. He couldn't be trusted with a knofe or a gun, but was as strong as an ox. Therefore, Artie would simply strangle his targets. the family also took advantage of Artie's lack on intelligence and paid him only $1.00 for each "hit." 

One day, the Don calls Artie and tells him he needs to get a witness taken care of, gives him the address, and pays him in advance. Artie goes to the apartment, and finds the man alone. He puts his hands around his neck, and goes to town. Just as he is finishing up, the man's wife walks in. Knowing there is a witness, he takes care of her, as well. Just as he is leaving, a neighbor walks by the open door and peers inside. Artie has to take care of him, too. 

Artie is arrested leaving the apartment, as someone overheard the commotion and called the police. Not being too bright, Artie admits everything, right on down the financial arrangements.

The headline the next day : "Artie chokes three for one dollar."

(groan)


----------



## CaptFrank (Jan 29, 2005)

amusing


----------



## fluke (Feb 27, 2001)

*It wasn't me!! It was the dog! I saw him do it!*


----------



## ham1963 (May 4, 2001)

Great stories really enjoyed them :thumbsup:


----------



## drewid142 (Apr 23, 2004)

If a man is alone in the forest, and there are no women around... is he still wrong?


----------



## fluke (Feb 27, 2001)

*HA!!* :lol:


----------



## Guest (Mar 30, 2006)

*Just got this through, made me laugh anyways...*

Subject: Between pilots and the control tower 

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" 

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!" 

**********************************************************
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." 

"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" 

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" 

***************************************************************** 
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: 

"I'm f...ing bored!" 

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself 
immediately!" 

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!" 
***************************************************************** 
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." 

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight." ***************************************************************** 
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" 

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff." 
***************************************************************** 

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. 

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard 
right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and 
return to the airport." 
***************************************************************** 
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing 
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." 

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a 
B-52 that had one engine shut down. 

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach." 
***************************************************************** 
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the 
following: 

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance 
time?" 

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." 

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in 

Germany. Why must I speak English?" 
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war." 
***************************************************************** 
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 
124.7" 

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the 
runway." 

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact 
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" 

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we 
copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers." 
***************************************************************** 

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. 

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, 
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" 

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a 
real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and 
I'll have enough parts for another one." 
***************************************************************** 
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a 
short-tempered lot. 
They not only expect one to know one's gate parking 
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. 
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the 
following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 
747, call sign Speedbird 206. 

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." 

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." 

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. 

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" 

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." 

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" 

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I 
didn't land." 
***************************************************************** 
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight 
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. 

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: 
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's 
difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it 
right!" 

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting 
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" 

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. 

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent 
after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. 

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, 
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"


----------



## irishtrek (Sep 17, 2005)

:lol:


----------



## Prince of Styrene II (Feb 28, 2000)

Raytheon said:


> **********************************************************
> "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
> 
> "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
> ...


These are the best ones!!! :roll:


----------



## fluke (Feb 27, 2001)

*YES!!!! Those are awesome!!! LOL!!!!!* :lol:


----------



## beeblebrox (Jul 30, 2003)

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After
looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted
island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking 
his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with
beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle -- a perfect night 
for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and
better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm
around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled
fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the
sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was
another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Hilary Clinton.

That evening, the man introduced Hilary to the evening
beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening -- red sky, cirrus
clouds, a warm and gentle breeze -- perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get "those feelings" again.
He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally
gave in and leaned over to Hilary, cautiously, and whispered in her
ear,

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"


----------



## Guest (Mar 31, 2006)

To add a couple more flight themed funnies i've heard related and as proof that while the German sense of humour is sometimes not so much dry but rather arid...

From a British short haul flight at the #1 spot in a rather long queue for takeoff, they were waiting for clearance and from an opposing taxiway a small Lufthansa twin prop was allowed takeoff clearance and departed.

Rightly so the British crew asked why the Lufthansa flight had been given clearance ahead of the line only to be told in a matter of fact tome of voice that the Lufthansa crew...
"had thier towels on the runway first"

On a related note the Sally 'B', a B-17 flying from England was on the European airshow circuit some years ago.
One transition flight required a trip into German airspace. According to the crew they whistled up German air traffic control to make the request. After the usual aircraft ident code, flightplan announcment etc. the ATC requested conformation of aircraft type.

The answer was of course Boeing B-17 Bomber, a few seconds silence followed and the controller came back with the simple question in very deadpan tone.
"One or squadron?"

It took a while for the laughing to die down and the response was "just one" and clearance was given in same deadpan tone.


----------



## Capt Kirk (Mar 4, 2006)

A blonde is driving across the desert on her way to San Diego, when she see's a semi pulled over to the side of the road. She stops to see if the driver needs some help. He answers with "No I just need to work on the truck some, but I have 2 chimps that have to go to the San Diego Zoo. I would give you $100 if you would take them there." She says OK and they put them in the rear seat of her convertible and straps them in. Six hours later he is driving through San Diego and sees the blonde walking down the streetwith a chimps hand in each of hers . He stops and asks her, "I thought you were supposed to deliver them to the Zoo?" She says we were there, but we had some money left over, so we are on our way to Sea World!


----------



## dgtrekker (Jul 23, 2001)

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender says, “What’s wrong?” “I caught my wife in bed with my best friend,” says the man. “That’s just awful. What did you do?” “Well, I looked my wife right in the eyes and said we were through.” “What did you tell your best friend?” “I looked him in the eyes and said, ‘Bad dog!’”


----------



## fluke (Feb 27, 2001)

*The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon." *

*Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. *

*"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..." *

*"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." *

*"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" *

*"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat" *

*After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" *

*"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bath, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there." *

*"Bath, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!" *

*"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." *

*"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith. *

*"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." *

*"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly. *

*The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said. *

*"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. *

*"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider her mother was so difficult to work with." *

*"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith. *

*"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look." *

*"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. *

*"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. *

*"The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in." *

*Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um...equipment?" *

*"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away." *

*"Tripod?" *

*"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too heavy to be held in the hand very long." *

*With that, Mrs. Smith fainted.*


----------



## dgtrekker (Jul 23, 2001)

A small guy goes out drinking and ends the night by being thrown into the drunk tank. He walks in and sees a huge dude standing there. The dude says, “Seven feet tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch penis, Turner Brown.” The small guy faints. When he recovers, he asks the big dude to repeat himself. “Seven feet tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch penis, Turner Brown,” he says. The small guy says, “Thank God! I thought you said, ‘Turn around!’


----------



## scotpens (Sep 6, 2003)

We've all heard various versions of this one, but a classic deserves repeating:

An English lady, while visiting Switzerland, was looking for a room,and she asked the schoolmaster if he could recommend any to her. He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled, the lady returned to her home to make the final preparations to move. When she arrived home, the thought suddenly occurred to her that she had not seen a W.C. (water closet, a euphemism for toilet) around the place. So she immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking him where the W.C. was. The schoolmaster was a very poor student of English, so he asked the parish priest if he could help in the matter. Together they tired to discover the meaning "W.C.," and the only solution they could find was that the letters stood for Wayside Chapel. The schoolmaster then wrote to the English lady the following note: 

Dear Madam: 

I take great pleasure in informing you that the W.C. is situated nine miles from the house you occupy, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and it is open on Sundays and Thursdays only. As there are a great number of people and they are expected during the summer months, I would suggest that you come early, although there is plenty of standing room as a rule. You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good number of people bring their lunch and make a day of it, while others who can afford to go by car arrive just in time. I would especially recommend that Your Ladyship go on Thursday when there is musical accompaniment. It may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband in in the W.C., and it was there that they were married. I can remember the rush there was for seats. There were ten people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one. It was wonderful to see the expression on their faces. The newest attraction is a bell donated by a wealthy resident of the district. It rings every time a person enters. A bazaar is to be held to provide plush seats for all the people, since they feel it is a long felt need. My wife is rather delicate, so she can't attend regularly. I shall be delighted to reserve the best seat for you if you wish, where you will be seen by all. For the children, there is a special time and place so that they will not disturb the elders. Hoping to have been of service to you, I remain, 
Sincerely,
The Schoolmaster."

BTW, one of the early classic moments in television censorship occurred in 1960 when Jack Paar walked off the "Tonight Show" after NBC censors nixed this joke. Hard to believe today, isn't it?


----------



## lisfan (Feb 15, 1999)

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself:
 
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?" 
 

 
Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs." 

 
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?" 



Maxine: "No, they open!"


----------



## lisfan (Feb 15, 1999)

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street 
when a 
>masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the 
>stomach. 
>Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets 
>in 
>because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy 
>daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one

>daughter walked into the room in tears. 
>
>"What's wrong?" asked the mother. 
>
>"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the 
>daughter. 
>The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years 
>ago. 
>
>About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in 
>tears. 
>"Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." 
>
>Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 
>16 
>years ago. 
>
>A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 
>
>"It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a 
>tinkle and a bullet came out." 
>
>"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."


----------



## dgtrekker (Jul 23, 2001)

A woman gets a facelift for her 47th birthday. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand and asks the sales clerk, “How old do you think I am?”

“About 32,” the clerk replies.

“I’m actually 47,” the woman says.

She then goes into McDonald’s and asks the cashier the same question. “I’d guess about 29,” she says.

“Nope, I’m 47,” the woman replies.

Later, as she waits for the bus, she asks an old man the same question. “I’m 78,” he says, “and my eyesight is starting to go. But when I was young, you could determine a woman’s age by putting your hand up her shirt and feeling her boobs.”

Curiosity getting the best of her, she says, “What the hell, go ahead.” He slips his hand up her shirt and, after a few minutes, says, “You’re 47.”

“That’s amazing!” she says, stunned. “How did you know?”

“I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.”


----------



## dgtrekker (Jul 23, 2001)

A Southern small-town prosecutor called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."


----------



## beeblebrox (Jul 30, 2003)

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in 
>movie? They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
>
> ***************
> Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children? She heard that 
>one out of every four children born in the world was Chinese
>
> ***************
>
> Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power 
>outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four 
>hours.
>
> *****************
>
> A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really 
>bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it 
>to a repair shop The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided 
>to have some fun.
>
> He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really 
>hard, and all the dents would pop out.
>
> So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and 
>started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little 
>harder, and still nothing happened.
>
> Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you 
>doing?"
>
> The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to 
>blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
>
> The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like hello! You need 
>to roll up the windows first."
>
> ****************
>
> A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for 
>glasses. The
> doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while 
>covering the right eye.
>
> The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye 
>doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, 
>covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.
>
> As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her 
>face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about 
>getting glasses."
>
> "I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on
> wire frames.
>
> ****************
>
> A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver 
>thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought 
>it over to the clerk to ask what it was.
>
> The clerk said, "That's a thermos . . . it keeps some things hot 
>and some things cold" "Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to 
>buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
>
> Her boss saw it on her desk. "What do you have there?" he asked.
>
> "Why, that's a thermos . . . it keeps hot things hot and cold 
>things
> cold," she replied.
>
> Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it? "
>
> The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee".
>
> ***************
>
> A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf 
>balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The 
>puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
>
> Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf 
>balls".
>
> Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and 
>finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does 
>it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
>
> ******************
> A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, 
>something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy 
>her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its 
>features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new 
>phone.
>
> The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her
> astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he 
>said, "how do you like your new phone?" Susie replied, "I just love it! 
>It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I 
>don't understand though..."
>
> "What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
>
> "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"


----------



## Zombie_61 (Apr 21, 2004)

A guy goes to the doctor with a sore elbow. The doctor tells him, "Oh, great! We have this new piece of equipment that can tell us exactly what the problem is; it hasn't been wrong yet. All I'll need is a urine sample." The guy provides the sample, and the doctor pours it into the device. Lights begin flashing, and after a few minutes a report is printed out. After reviewing the report, the doctor announces, "You have tennis elbow."

"Aww, Doc, that's crazy. I've never played tennis in my life!" the guy replies. "Well," says the doctor, "The machine hasn't been wrong yet. Come back tomorrow and we'll try again."

The guy goes home and tells the story to his wife and teenage daughter over dinner. Suddenly, the idea comes to him to put this new device to the test. He has his daughter urinate into a sample cup, has his wife urinate into a sample cup, and he masturbates into a sample cup, then mixes the samples together.

The next morning he arrives at the doctor's office bright and early. He provides the doctor with "his" sample, which the doctor immediately pours into the device. Again, lights flash and a report is printed out, which the doctor reviews. "Well?" the guy asks.

The doctor shrugs, looks him in the eye, and says, "Your daughter's pregnant, your wife has AIDS, and if you don't stop playing with yourself your tennis elbow isn't going to get any better."


----------



## dgtrekker (Jul 23, 2001)

 Mother Superior is having her office at the convent remodeled, so she asks two younger nuns to paint it. Before they start, she warns them not to get any paint on their habits. So the two nuns decide to lock the door and paint in the nude. They’re almost done when they hear a knock on the door.
“Who is it?” they call out nervously.
“Blind man,” replies a voice.
The two nuns decide that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. So they open the door.
“Nice boobs!” exclaims the man. “Where do you want these blinds?”


----------



## dgtrekker (Jul 23, 2001)

An attractive woman from New York is driving through a remote part of Texas when her car breaks down. A few minutes later, an Indian on horseback comes along and offers her a ride to a nearby town. 

She climbs up behind him on the horse and they ride off. Every few minutes, the Indian lets out a whoop so loud that it echoes from the surrounding hills. When they arrive in town, he lets her off at a service station and yells one final “Yahoo!” before riding off. 

“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” the service-station attendant asks. 

“Nothing,” she says, “I just sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held on to his saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.” 

“Lady,” the attendant says, “Indians ride bareback.”


----------



## DocDann (Feb 19, 2006)

She can hang onto MY saddle horn any time


----------



## dgtrekker (Jul 23, 2001)

It was little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father walked up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but that he was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely.

The teacher did not seem disturbed, and assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of little Johnny's urge to gamble. Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going.

"Oh, everything is going very well," she said. "I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit."

The father asked her what had happened.

"The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me $10 that I had a mole on my rear," she said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teachers' lounge to show him that I had no mole, but he had to promise he would never make another bet at school again."

"Damn!" the father said. "He bet me $50 this morning that he would see the teacher's ass before the day was over."


----------



## Guest (Apr 16, 2006)

Little Timmy and his dad were out at the supermarket one day.
Dad was doing the shopping and Timmy was indulging in his usual pasttime of flipping a coin in the air and catching it in his mouth.

Sadly on one coin flip, Timmy was distracted for a split second and the coin went straight down his throat and loged. Timmy began to gasp for air and his dad shouted for anyone to come and help him.

At this point a well dressed woman came over, looked at Timmy and grabbed him by the gonads.
She gave a quick twist but nothing happened and Timmy was starting to turn a funny colour. 

The woman frowned and gave a hard and sudden twist of her hand. Timmy coughed once and the coin flew out of his mouth.
She caught the coin, wiped it and put it in her pocket and walked away.
As Timmy recovered from his ordeal, the dad went over to her and thanked her for her prompt actions.

"You did a wondeful job getting that money out of him, are you a doctor?" he asked, to which she replied...

"No, i'm a divorce lawyer"


----------



## fluke (Feb 27, 2001)

Just click thats all I ask......

http://www.goyk.com/video.asp?path=514


----------



## fluke (Feb 27, 2001)

and this one.......

http://www.goyk.com/video.asp?path=641


----------



## dgtrekker (Jul 23, 2001)

Very good fluke well worth the click!


----------



## irishtrek (Sep 17, 2005)

Poor girl now she's the one with a headache.
Seen the trunk monkey before, and there are other comercials with the trunk monkey from that car dealer.


----------



## irishtrek (Sep 17, 2005)

a woman goes into a Lexus dealer, walks up to a car bends over and as she touches the leather seat she lets out a fart.
A bit embarassed she hopes that a salesman didn't hear.
And as she straightens up and turns around there is a salesman behind her, so she asks him what the price is for the car.
He tells her that if touching the leather is enough to make her fart then if she were to hear the price she would s--t her pants.


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## El Gato (Jul 15, 2000)

An old lady goes to see her doctor. He asks what was the matter. "Well doctor," she said, "Lately I've had this terrible gas problem. I don't know what's causing it or how to stop it. In fact, I farted three times while in the waiting room and I've farted once while talking to you. Luckily, they are silent and they don't smell."

The doctor nods, says an "uh-hmmm" and hands her a prescription. "Please take these twice a day for a week and come back to see me."

A week later the old lady returns and the doctor asks her how she is doing. "Oh doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but it didn't cure me. In fact, it's making my farts smell horrible. Luckily they're still silent so no one knows it's me".

The doctor nods and says, "Good, now that we've fixed your sense of smell, let's see what we can do about your hearing."


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## El Gato (Jul 15, 2000)

A jihadist walks into Paradise all happy that he martyred himself. Soon he's upset because no one's there to greet him. Finally, an old woman comes up, welcomes him with a sigh and asks if he wants to get it on. Upset, the jihadist walks up to Mohammed and demands to know where was his reward was: "They told me you said there would be 72 virgins waiting for me! Instead I get this!" and points to the old woman.

Mohammed looks at him and says, "Never trust those stupid ghostwriters. Those fools! I said the reward was a 72-year old virgin!"


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## dgtrekker (Jul 23, 2001)

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."

Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties…"

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

The man exclaims, "Damn—this thing must be an hour fast!"


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## El Gato (Jul 15, 2000)

Four old, competitive Catholic ladies were sitting at a café one afternoon when the first one said, "My first son is a priest, so when people look at him they say, 'Oh, father'." A she gave a small smile of content.

Not to be outdone, the second old lady said, "Well, _my _son's a bishop, so when people see him they say, 'Oh, your excellency'". A bigger smile of content ran across her lips.

The third old lady gave a small, condescending snort and said, "Well, _my _son's a _cardinal_, so when people see him they say, 'Oh, your emminence'". She closed her eyes as she bobbed her head sideways in satisfaction.

The fourth old lady simply smiled at her coffee. The other three looked at her as if to say "Well?" Taking her time, the fourth old lady casually said, "Well, my son's a male stripper. When people see him, they say, 'Oh my GOD!'"

José


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## lisfan (Feb 15, 1999)

Here is a riddle for the intellectually minded. The answer is at the 
> bottom of the page for those who cannot think this one through!!
> 
> At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of 
> the earth: One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers; The 
> other is getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman.
> 
> They are each thinking the exact same thing.
> 
> What are they both thinking?
> 
> 
> 
> Answer:
> 
> Don't look down!


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## beeblebrox (Jul 30, 2003)

I'm not sure, but I think "walking a tightrope" might be a really filthy euphemism. You might want to edit that out. :lol:


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## dgtrekker (Jul 23, 2001)

Four blondes walk into a bar. They are all dressed real nice and one of them is clutching a large picture frame. One of them goes up to the bartender and orders the most expensive wine they have. The ladies go into the back and sit down. They start drinking and celebrating while staring at this picture frame. The bartender can't see the front of the picture, but he is curious so he walks around to look at the frame. It's a completed puzzle of Cookie Monster. He asks them all why they are so happy about the puzzle that they would celebrate and frame it. The blondes are all smiling and one of them says, "You know everyone says we are so stupid. Well, we showed them. You see that puzzle, the box said 7+ years and we did it in three weeks!!


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## lisfan (Feb 15, 1999)

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
>
> >He
> > > spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was a tap
>on
> >his
> > > shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear
> >said,
> > > "That was my cousin and you've got two choices ... Either I maul you
>to
> > > death or we have sex."
> > > After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter
> > > alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon
> >recovered
> > > and vowed revenge.
> > > He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot
>it.
> > > Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge
> > > grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a
>big
> > > mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either
>I
> > > maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was
> >better
> > > to cooperate.
> > > Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally
> > > recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track
>down
> >the
> > > grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap
>on
> >his
> > > shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
> >The
> > > polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit it Frank, you
>don't
> > > come here for the hunting, do you?"


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## dgtrekker (Jul 23, 2001)

 Mother Superior is having her office at the convent remodeled, so she asks two younger nuns to paint it. Before they start, she warns them not to get any paint on their habits. So the two nuns decide to lock the door and paint in the nude. They’re almost done when they hear a knock on the door.
“Who is it?” they call out nervously.
“Blind man,” replies a voice.
The two nuns decide that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. So they open the door.
“Nice tits!” exclaims the man. “Where do you want these blinds?”


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## lisfan (Feb 15, 1999)

*funnies on life*

FUNNIES ON LIFE
>>
>> My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
>> He thought he was God, and I didn't.
>>
>> --------------------------------------------------------------------- 
>> ---
>>
>> Marriage is a three-ring circus:
>> Engagement ring, wedding ring, and
>>
>> suffering.
>>
>> --------------------------------------------------------------------- 
>> ---
>>
>> For Sale:
>> Wedding dress, size 8.
>> Worn once by mistake.
>>
>> --------------------------------------------------------------------- 
>> ---
>>
>> There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
>> Before marriage and after marriage.
>>
>> --------------------------------------------------------------------- 
>> ---
>>
>> Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
>> Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, 
>> they take
>> your house and car.
>>
>> --------------------------------------------------------------------- 
>> ---
>>
>> The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too
>> qualified for the job.
>>
>> "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in 
>> picking
>> lemons?"
>>
>> "Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been 
>> divorced three
>> times."
>>
>> --------------------------------------------------------------------- 
>> ---
>>
>> An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse 
>> he has
>> been living with for the last 40 years.
>>
>> The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact 
>> words that
>> were used to put the curse on you."
>>
>> The old man says without hesitation,
>> "I now pronounce you man and wife."
>>
>> --------------------------------------------------------------------- 
>> ---
>>
>> I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely 
>> ignoring
>> the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out 
>> line pushing
>> a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier
>> beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked 
>> sweetly,
>> "So which six items would you like to buy?"
>> Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
>>
>> --------------------------------------------------------------------- 
>> --
>>
>> Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly 
>> neighbor
>> and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a 
>> table. "Young
>> man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45
>> minutes." They were seated immediately.
>>
>> --------------------------------------------------------------------- 
>> ---
>>
>> The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they 
>> would hate
>> to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
>>
>> --------------------------------------------------------------------- 
>> ---
>>
>> All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down 
>> the
>> aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride 
>> kissed her
>> father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews
>> responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled 
>> broadly. As her
>> father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his 
>> credit card.
>>
>> --------------------------------------------------------------------- 
>> ---
>>
>> Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should 
>> relax and get
>> used to the idea.
>>
>> --------------------------------------------------------------------- 
>> ---
>>
>> Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're 
>> in your
>> casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over 
>> you, what
>> would you like them to say?"
>>
>> Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a 
>> fine
>> spiritual leader, and a great family man."
>>
>> Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful 
>> teacher and
>> servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
>>
>> Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
>>
>> --------------------------------------------------------------------- 
>> ---
>>
>> Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk 
>> to God.
>> Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years 
>> mean to
>> you?"
>>
>> The Lord replies, "A minute."
>>
>> Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
>> The Lord replies, "A penny."
>>
>> Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
>>
>> The Lord replies, "In a minute."
>>
>> --------------------------------------------------------------------- 
>> ---
>>
>> A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to 
>> me. Every
>> evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she 
>> sleeps with
>> anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should 
>> do?"
>>
>> "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, 
>> tell me,
>> exactly where is Larry's bar?"
>>
>> --------------------------------------------------------------------- 
>> ---
>>
>> John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
>>
>> "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
>>
>> "Of course, John," his wife said softly.
>>
>> "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
>>
>> "But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
>>
>> With his last breath John said, "I do!"
>>
>> --------------------------------------------------------------------- 
>> ---
>>
>> A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is 
>> happening and I
>> have to talk to you about it."
>>
>> The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
>>
>> The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
>>
>> The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
>>
>> The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning 
>> me, what
>> should I do?"
>>
>> The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll 
>> see what I
>> can find out and I'll let you know."
>>
>> A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to 
>> your wife.
>> I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" 
>> The man
>> said yes and the Rabbi! replied,
>>
>> "Take the poison."
>>
>


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## dgtrekker (Jul 23, 2001)

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."< /B>

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a s**t?"


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## scotpens (Sep 6, 2003)

THE TOP 25 SIGNS YOU’VE GROWN UP

1. Your houseplants are all healthy, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex on the floor, on the sofa, in a car, or in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. There's more food than beer in your fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hooking up and breaking up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualifies as "dressed up."

10. You’re the one calling the police because those goddamn kids next door won't turn down the music.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store to buy Tylenol and antacid tablets, not condoms & home pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good s---."

21. You actually eat breakfast food for breakfast.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When a woman friend tells you she’s pregnant, you congratulate her instead of saying, "Oh, Christ, what the hell happened?"

26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry ass!


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## scotpens (Sep 6, 2003)

*Thought it was time to resurrect this one. . .*

I hope this isn't too "political"! :tongue: 

*COWS FOR EVERYBODY*​
DEMOCRATIC PARTY: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbra Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN PARTY: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milks the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of a regular cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded cattle cars. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, and give excellent quality milk at precisely 8:00 every morning. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of paid vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You drink some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You drink more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Russian Mafia shows up and takes however many cows you actually had.

IRAQI CORPORATION: You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send tape recordings of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed while attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION: You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks it's French, other times it's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION: You have a Guernsey cow and a Holstein cow. Everyone votes for the best-looking one. Some of the people who actually like the Guernsey cow best accidentally vote for the Holstein cow. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can’t figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out of state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION: You have millions of cows. Half of them are illegal. They make real California cheese. The Governor likes the ones with the big udders.


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## Heavens Eagle (Jun 30, 2003)

Mother Superior was walking down the hall one morning when she saw one of her nuns and said "Good morning". The nun replied "Good morning Mother Superior. Ah I see you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning".

Mother Superior thought this was unusual but went on.

She saw another nun and said "Good morning sister". The nun replied "Good morning Mother Superior. Ah I see you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning".

Now this was starting to make her wonder.

She saw a third nun and said "Good morning sister". The nun replied "Good morning Mother Superior. Ah I see you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning".

This was just too strange. The next person that says that I will ask them why.

So continuing on she finally saw Brother Thomas. Mother Superior said to Brother Thomas "Good morning brother". Thomas replied "Good morning Mother Superior. Ah I see you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning".

Mother Superior then asked "What makes you say that brother?" To which he replied "Why Mother Superior, You're wearing Father O'Banions shoes"

-------------------

That holds nothing compared to this joke:

Teddy Kennedy :wave:


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## Dave Metzner (Jan 1, 1970)

I've laughed at several of these jokes, I hate to lock this thread, but I think I should.
Many of these jokes fail the "family friendly forum" test. (I must admit that I laughed at several of them and have probably have told many similar stories)
I think that the rule here is that the content of posts should be suitable for consumption by women and children. 
I'm going to close the thread as an effort to keep from having someone offended by it's contents. 

I'm doing this because I think it's what Hank would expect, I hope that the membership will understand.


Dave


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