# Reasons to not invite Bill Hall or Mike King to race at your track



## martybauer31 (Jan 27, 2004)

Hmm, let's see, where to begin?

Bill Hall:
Renders my brand new controller useless within 5 minutes of arriving simply by driving left handed.
Shorts me on pizza money, I will expect my $2 in PayPal very shortly, if not, I expect fordcowboy to step up for you.....
Monopolozes my best handling fray car the ENTIRE night.
His crappy green porsche leaves a big stain in my neighborhood street, I'm sure the HOA will be pleased.

Mike King:
Apparently, "caution in the yellow lane" means that since he is in the yellow lane, he should crank it up as fast as his car can go to try and T-Bone whatever may lie ahead of him.
Also, "rider in yellow" means, squeeze the controller down to launch the offending car our of his lane.
Drive ONLY in the yellow lane all night.
As opposed to making a faster car to match my best, take my best car out of the box and wall-shot it about 50 times to try and make it as slow as his cars.

I can't think of anything else at the moment, but I am sure once I go through my pit case, I will probably find many items stolen or broken as well..... it's nice to have friends.

For those with no sense of humor, this was written with tongue planted firmly in cheek....


----------



## roadrner (Jul 21, 1999)

*Who would have thunk it...........*

Thanks for the warning. I'm taking my track down. :devil: LOL rr


----------



## Bill Hall (Jan 6, 2007)

*"Be-willderedness" Hills reality check.*

Dont start with me Marty!

As Mike eloquently stated, That two bucks is a minor fee for breaking in that colagenous, clattering, collection of junk you called a car. Did those bargain basement tires come from a gumball machine at Wallmart or off a tootsie toy. 
I'd like to point out that I ran that clunker into very respectable 5th place in a five man race!

That stain on your street is merely drool that's run off my 911. I suppose I should thank you now that I have a complete saliva and fingerprint sample from that roaming herd of juvenile delinquents that grazes in your neighborhood. I'll expect a kick back check from the HA for increasing your property values. Just take your measly two pizza bucks off the top! If I dont have payment in 6 minutes I'll turn it over to my hired goons for collection, and post your tresspasses against humanity on two different forums. 

As for that so called magic wand. Perhaps you should contact their quality control department for some krackers to go with your whine. I'm not quite sure what the value of a controller is that spends more time in the pits than your cars, but I'm sure you'll tell me. I cant use the lefthanded overhook on that delicate 'lil flower? I should at least be able to hammer on armature pinions and pound wheels on with it, cuz it's not good for much else, except for limiting your sorely needed track time!

I noticed that you conveniently neglected to mention the woeful shortcomings of your K-mart power supply that Mike and I brought to light during our antique Corvair grudge match. I'm hope Mike sends you a bill for R&D and damages to his hitech testing equipment!

Mike's a big boy and can defend himself, but it suffices to say that someone has to snow plow the track when you little ole ladies cant keep it in your lane. Mike's "full throttle Rider in your lane" technique is merely a defense mechanism to keep his lap times up. You'll note that Mike and I created enough carnage to discombooberate the "forever out in front" Randy so that you could concentrate on running down Dave. 

"Extra, Extra read all about it!" "Blind singing Dave", who I might add hadn't touched a controller in eight weeks; spanked Marty down in his own backyard. Even after I caught you "secret practicing" when I arrived early yesterday afternoon. Bauer was busted, beaten, and broken at Bewildered Hills. Oh the shame! 

:tongue: But really folks, Marty and family are five star hosts. As always they welcomed a bunch of juvenile delinquents into their beautiful home inspite of our rapsheets. Track conditions were perfect and that sweet Brystal just keeps getting better! We wanted for nothing and I'm sure I can safley say that a splendid time was had by all! :thumbsup: 

Big guy, You're a class act all the way. No amount of superlatives will suffice, so I'll close with a big Thank You! :wave: 

B.


----------



## mking (Apr 25, 2000)

*Thats it MartyB*

Registration of your Fun-Jet is hereby revoked!


----------



## mking (Apr 25, 2000)

*Why Never to Buy a Controller from MartyB*

1. Bill Hall "breaks" them in.

2. Marty tests each controller by dropping them from track height to a concrete floor. Guess which ones he sells?

3. Marty buys controllers off ebay in bulk, uses parts to refurbish the ones Bill has broken, assembles the junk parts in replica contollers, lets you test a working controller, accepts payment, then replaces the working controller in your pit box with a replica when your in the bathroom, and puts on a Gomer Pyle expression when you complain and says "Gosh, Bill must have broken it after you bought it"


----------



## mking (Apr 25, 2000)

*Why Never to Race MartyB on His Own Track*

1. Marty is a programmer.

2. Marty is in charge of "setting up" the lap timing software before each race.

3. During a race, Marty's car is all over the track, except in his lane. Sometimes its on the floor, sometimes its in my lane (at which point he whines after being T-boned into the wall)

4. Martys favorite saying during a race is "Blue (or whatever lane he is in) missed a lap" 

5. At the end of the race, other racers will have totals that vary across the different lanes, like 28 Red, 25 Blue, 27 White, 26 Yellow (blue and yellow being gutter lanes). Marty's score? 29, 29, 29, 29. Hmmm...Is that driving skill, or programming skill? Enquiring minds want to know......


----------



## martybauer31 (Jan 27, 2004)

You guys are too funny, oh, and Bill... you also owe me for a new drivers side rear tire. Trying to make all those lefts on right turns really wore it out.  Thanks for the good racing, and good humor! That's what it's all about boys! :thumbsup:


----------



## sethndaddy (Dec 4, 2004)

Too funny. It must be great to live in an area of the country that the weather always sucks in, more race time, lol.
Come to the east and cut my grass you old dudes.


----------



## Bill Hall (Jan 6, 2007)

Ed, really it's quite nice here. Very moderate and seems to lack the natural disasters that permeate our beautiful nation. That probably means were due for Mt. Ranier or Baker to blow their lids.  

Actually Marty is a skoshe younger than you, ya whippersnappers! 
Although lawnmower racing hasnt been openly discussed, I'm sure the gang would be happy to oblige. How much does it pay? You sure your wife wouldnt mind if we practiced on your new lawn? This mental picture has now caused me permanent mental damage. 

Have you tried parking on the lawn, it really cuts down on the mowing! :thumbsup:


----------



## T-jetjim (Sep 12, 2005)

Sounds like you guys have a lot of fun. I guess Bill and Mike just underestimated Marty's home field advantage!
Jim


----------



## fordcowboy (Dec 27, 1999)

Well, I had known about this race. I would have paid everyone's entry fee, paid for the prizes, bought the pizza & drinks, & paid for their gas and/or taxi to get there & home. Too bad I was left out; never thought of til after the race. I feel abused & mistreated. I can hear you now, "maybe next time". That's all I hear from you guys. What are friends for, if not to abuse each other in good humor.
--fordcowboy
Sad in Missouri


----------



## martybauer31 (Jan 27, 2004)

LOL, no entry fee or prizes, I buy the drinks and everyone ponies up for pizza. If you could paypal that $2 Bill owes me though, that would be awesome....

Consider yourself invited to the next get together!


----------



## Bill Hall (Jan 6, 2007)

FCB: No one is more cruel than children. Once the racing starts; I dont imagine that anyones mental age at one of Marty's thrash and bashes is much over 10 yrs old. I laughed so much my face was sore the next day. A couple guys were no shows for a total of five guys. The marshalling was a slapstick comedy of errors that even the three stooges would have applauded. When racing at Marty's there is only one requirement, You will have fun! There's no other option. 

Being as how Marty has to turn his back to cheat the software, I find it only fair to rifle his pit box, abuse his tools, and spill pop in his favorite controller. I was gonna cram some chex mix in his gearplate but he turned around!

I also saw some raisins in the trail mix that would jam in nicely between the pinion and crown gear. Maybe next time.

PS: Marty, your check is in the mail! Hired goons enroute to collect my kick back check! Your six minutes are up!


----------



## fordcowboy (Dec 27, 1999)

I just paypal Bill the 2$ . ooohhh sorry that was to go to Marty. lol :drunk: Lendell


----------



## Bill Hall (Jan 6, 2007)

Cowboy, it's better that you sent me the dough rather than getting sucked into Marty's elaborate "Pizza Pyramid" scam. :tongue: 

I'm wise to his tricks. :thumbsup: 

Your refund check is in the mail! LOL


----------



## mking (Apr 25, 2000)

*The pizza pyramid!!!*

1 Large for Marty
1 Large for Mike, Bill, Randy and Dave
The bill was split 5 ways......


----------



## martybauer31 (Jan 27, 2004)

What.... that isn't fair?!?!?!?!


----------



## TheRockinator (May 16, 2007)

Let's be fair, Marty is a GREAT host, when he isn't trying to poison me. My 1st visit to his house he offered me some C.Chip Cookies. I pointedly asked what was in them. He replied, oh you know, the usual, Chocolate chips, sugar, flour. He failed to mention nuts. I'm alergic to nusts. Within minutes of the 1st bite my throat closed up and I could barely breathe. Now I'm sure it wasn't intentional but there are easier ways of making sure I don't win. So this race, i made sure that I didn't eat any cookies and I also made sure I paid the $2 I owed for the Pizza from the previous race. I won the 1st race. Coincedence? You decide.

Later, The yes I do sing when I drive it's because I can't see and I use the sound waves like sonar to locate my car on the track. As long as I have the only Fandango Celica body I'm ok Rockinator


----------



## Bill Hall (Jan 6, 2007)

*Nuts, Singing and Sonar*

Welcome to the HT Board Rock!

I'd plumb forgotten about the nut incident. I was just funnin' about yer singin'! At least you can carry a tune and stay on key. Your an American Slot Car Idol in my book. :thumbsup: 

OK Batman! The jist of your slot sonar is if we all sing you cant find your car? Obviously we need every edge we can get. I'll file that away for future use.  

So let's see if I've got this right. In order to win, all I have to do is cough up Marty's two bucks, sing and dont eat cookies. :freak: 

Of course Marty's a great host! He deserves to be punished accordingly. :tongue: 

But really Dave, way to drive through the carnage and stay on task. Coming out dead cold and taking the win was very impressive.  

Take care Rock, C U soon. :wave: 

B.


----------



## sethndaddy (Dec 4, 2004)

I want to race at Marty's now too, lol


----------



## Wingless Wonder (Aug 26, 2006)

Racers and their quirks... so much fun! I've seen guys who sway with the motion of their cars (try doing that with guys about two inches to each side of you!), a kid who made car noises to help him focus, and a guy who listens to an iPod (and earned that nickname, "iPod") to tune out the other racers and turn marshals.

Sounds like you guys have a crazy, friendly bunch of racers! :thumbsup:


----------



## martybauer31 (Jan 27, 2004)

Signs the apocalypse is near, the Rockinator cometh!

Yes, we do have a really good group of fun guys to race with here, as long as you let them win on occasion..... :tongue: 

Rockinator sings, Mike King monopolizes the yellow lane and conveniently hears nothing when a car is called to be in his lane, and Bill brings out these little works of art that I couldn't approach creating in a million years. As for me cheating with the track software, I'm just not smart enough, otherwise i'd cheat them all the time!


----------



## Bill Hall (Jan 6, 2007)

*Poetry in Motion....not!*

Oh Gawd Wingless,

I didnt even broach on the "sway", but seein' as how you opened the can.....

The sway is just hilarious to watch especially when your marshalling on the side opposite from the driver stations. Very much like drunken teenage boys at a highschool dance, slow dancing, feet nailed to the floor, mindlessly swaying to the music. 

When your running four abreast everyone's choreoghraphy is in sync. After a few pile ups and deslots the unsyncronized spastic swaying begins. It's like a bad vintage episode of American Bandstand. :freak:


Ed: Racin at Marty's is more than your average event. The racing is great, but the comeradery and good natured fun is the icing on the cake. The seemingly mild mannered Mike King is beyond hilarious, once he's plugged into the track he's the most mischeivious and devious instagator I've ever had the pleasure to know. In a very short time I've learned to avoid being on a lane outside of Mike. There's gonna be carnage! The question is when and how much. T-bones and sideswipes are just the tip of the iceberg in his vast arsenal.

You'd fit right in here! LOL


----------



## Wingless Wonder (Aug 26, 2006)

Bill Hall said:


> Oh Gawd Wingless,
> 
> I didnt even broach on the "sway", but seein' as how you opened the can.....
> 
> ...


Quote of the night last Saturday: "Slot car racing isn't a contact sport!"


----------



## coach61 (Sep 6, 2004)

Wingless Wonder said:


> Quote of the night last Saturday: "Slot car racing isn't a contact sport!"



Since when? Just try getting in my way....


Coach!


BTW I a m with Ed I want Marty to move next door!


----------



## sethndaddy (Dec 4, 2004)

MY OH MY, slot car racing IS a contact sport if your good enough to pull it off, just adds to the excitement.


----------



## win43 (Aug 28, 2006)

MMMMMMM The checks in the mail.......isn't that one of the two BIGGEST lies????? OH well we won't go there....LOL. 

OK, now everyone is invited to my place. Just bring cars :tongue: , a track to run them on  , and a place to set the track up :freak: . I will spring for the pizza  

As for the lawn...feel free to test out your racing mowers on my beautifully landscaped field of weeds that used to be my lawn  . Weeds seem to be the only thing I can grow. I'm the only person in Washington that can't grow Rhodies...LOL :jest: .

Glad you guys had such a good time. Sorry I misssed it. 

Bill, when you and your wife come to town, give me a heads-up. The 4 of us can do lunch or dinner.

Jerry


----------



## TheRockinator (May 16, 2007)

You are not the only person in Washington who can't grow Rhodies. My business partner has several that won't bloom. The problem is the root ball was planted too deep. Try digging your Rhodies up and planting them so there is a mound above the level of the surrounding garden. It may take a few years for the plants to recover.

As for racing at your house. You need a track? Seems like a pretty serious deficency of far greater concern then lack of healthy Rhodies. 

Later, The married to a gardener who has beautiful Rhodies now in full bloom Rockinator


----------



## Bill Hall (Jan 6, 2007)

*They just cut into valuable slot time*

Yup Rock, gotta keep the crown above the mud line on those "Dododendrons".

What a stupid state flower!........ "But ooooooh honey they're so pretty!"......."Yes dear, for a week or three every year"........ "Then they are just another shrub." 

Thankfully Robin sanctions chainsaw Rhody purges, if we move Rhody it's usually one step closer to the compost heap. snicker.

My money's on the small leafed azaleas, packed with bloom, they like a good hard shearing, and dont seem to taste good to our regional scourge the root weevil.

If I find the need to have some Rhody time, we make the trip to Whitney's up in Brinnon for a visit. 

Jerry: Why fight the moss? My state flag would be a dandelion in a field of moss with a Tomy turbo doing a lawn job across it.


----------



## coach61 (Sep 6, 2004)

I can think of better things to grow.. snicker...


And don't say half of you have not been thinking, :tongue: I have seen you guys in action in chat!


Coach! :dude:


----------



## ParkRNDL (Mar 20, 2002)

Bill Hall said:


> Jerry: Why fight the moss? My state flag would be a dandelion in a field of moss with a Tomy turbo doing a lawn job across it.


Jeez. I haven't heard the phrase "lawn job" since high school... :tongue:

--rick


----------



## Bill Hall (Jan 6, 2007)

ParkRNDL said:


> Jeez. I haven't heard the phrase "lawn job" since high school... :tongue:
> 
> --rick


Yeah Rick, although I have a Masters in both slang and giberish; it took me a second to remember the correct terminology.

Now the phrase lawnjob means just what it is.... A date with ole Briggs and Stratton and my chlorophyl stained tennies. 

I hope I didnt make you feel to old!


----------



## Wingless Wonder (Aug 26, 2006)

sethndaddy said:


> MY OH MY, slot car racing IS a contact sport if your good enough to pull it off, just adds to the excitement.


ON the track, yes. OFF the track?


----------



## Bill Hall (Jan 6, 2007)

Slot Racing is a colision sport!

Speaking of collisions here's a bunch ya wouldnt want to run into 

Pic 1 Our beloved host Marty Bauer, note that this pic was taken before I broke his new controller! snicker

Pic 2 That be smilin' Mike King, apparently after one of his patented sideswipe-t-bone combination moves. Note the lane he's hooked into. Dat would be yellow! This photo will be logged into evidence.

Pic 3 We see Randy Chin really concentrating on avoiding Mike. Randy has some amazing concentrative powers, he's really hard to catch when he's in the groove.

Lurking in the background is Dave Rock plotting everyones demise. The Rockinator is living proof that your never too old or blind to come out and clean some clocks! The eventual winner of the evenings event, Dave came out dead cold and was unflappable.


----------



## sethndaddy (Dec 4, 2004)

so funny how no one ever looks like what you expect.


----------



## sethndaddy (Dec 4, 2004)

little Sethy had at work "fixing" a nos tjet chassis. I think this one came to you Bill, lol. let me know how they run. pretty intense for a 3 year old.


----------



## coach61 (Sep 6, 2004)

sethndaddy said:


> little Sethy had at work "fixing" a nos tjet chassis. I think this one came to you Bill, lol. let me know how they run. pretty intense for a 3 year old.


Wow they grow up so fast.. Guess its time for me to send Sethy anothe rcar and a tjet hammer get you guys out of the 60's lol



Dave


----------



## Bill Hall (Jan 6, 2007)

*Daddy's Sweatshop!*

LOL Ed! The guys are gonna hang me up by my toes for those previous bootleg pics!

So whats the deal? No child labor laws back east?

Ed, you tell Sethy that the batch he assembled run way better than the bunch of junk Daddy slopped together the last time.  

Give that boy a raise fer Cripes sakes!

All kiddin' aside the chassis are great and so's Daddy's gang! :thumbsup: 

B.


----------



## TheRockinator (May 16, 2007)

uh,Bill? Never to OLD or too blind? Just how old do you think I am? Let me give you a hint. I qualify for AARP but not for movie or Golf senior discounts. 

The big secret to my win was my car. It was fast enough to not lose too much in the straight but slow enough that I could drive a lap on any lane with just a few blips of the throttle. I had to chuckle every time I went into the sweeper even or a bit behind. I would come out from under the overpass at least a foot ahead.

I have to admit though that I was surprised at how quickly the rust came off after my layoff.

Later, The NOT ready for retirement or rustoleum Rockinator


----------



## sethndaddy (Dec 4, 2004)

Bill Hall said:


> FCB: No one is more cruel than children. Once the racing starts; I dont imagine that anyones mental age at one of Marty's thrash and bashes is much over 10 yrs old. I laughed so much my face was sore the next day. A couple guys were no shows for a total of five guys. The marshalling was a slapstick comedy of errors that even the three stooges would have applauded. When racing at Marty's there is only one requirement, You will have fun! There's no other option.
> 
> Being as how Marty has to turn his back to cheat the software, I find it only fair to rifle his pit box, abuse his tools, and spill pop in his favorite controller. I was gonna cram some chex mix in his gearplate but he turned around!
> 
> ...


"POP" sounds sooooooo gay. lmao.........I'm from the east coast and we call it soda. damn if I had a few bucks I would fly out there just to hang with you guys and race the night away, God bless ya


----------



## Bill Hall (Jan 6, 2007)

sethndaddy said:


> "POP" sounds sooooooo gay. lmao.........I'm from the east coast and we call it soda. damn if I had a few bucks I would fly out there just to hang with you guys and race the night away, God bless ya


Hmmm?..... This from a guy with a pink Bunny in his avatar!  
I suppose you'll show up with a pink Nomad...er...whoops, sorry you guys back east probably call that fuschia.  

When's the big day Ed?


----------



## sethndaddy (Dec 4, 2004)

It's not pink, it's light red, ok............and I like the pink cars, their one of the easiest to keep an eye on while I'm lapping you guys.

We have closing june 19th. we have only been at this house just over a year, lots of boxes haven't been unpacked, and we got rid of some crap, so it should be an easier move this time around. I can't wait to get a platform up and get pictures posted.


----------



## Bill Hall (Jan 6, 2007)

Sounds like enough time to get ready.
Getting packed up and coordinated is half the battle.

If you're using a mover, make sure you document your goodstuff/valuables with your camera, should there be any problems/claims/questions down the road!

Remember to take a few pics of the carnage, everyone loves a trainwreck.


----------



## Wingless Wonder (Aug 26, 2006)

One of the first lessons I've learned with slot cars (and this can be applied to 1:1 cars): Don't mess with the guy with the pink car.


----------



## Bill Hall (Jan 6, 2007)

I call that the "My name is Sue" policy!

Apopolgies to Johnny Cash.


----------

